Essential Elements for a Tranquil Marriage
| Khatib : |
Sadullah Khan |
| Khutbah No: |
145 |
| Khutbah Date: |
04/15/05 |
وَقَدْ أَفْضَى بَعْضُكُمْ إِلَى بَعْضٍ وَأَخَذْنَ مِنكُم مِّيثَاقًا غَلِيظًاYou have joined each other in matrimony and taken a solemn covenant [Qur’an 4:21]Marriage ~ A Solemn Covenant When Allah refers to the relationship between husband and wife in the Qur'an, He describes it as a relationship of love, compassion, mercy, harmony, leading to
sakinah/tranquility between two human beings who have entered into a mutual contract; a contract referred to
[Qur’an 4:21] as ميثاقا غليظا
solemn agreement;
وَكَيْفَ تَأْخُذُونَهُ وَقَدْ أَفْضَى بَعْضُكُمْ إِلَى بَعْضٍ وَأَخَذْنَ مِنكُم مِّيثَاقًا غَلِيظًا the same term used
[Q 33:7] to describe the covenant between Allah and the Prophets.
وَإِذْ أَخَذْنَا مِنَ النَّبِيِّينَ مِيثَاقَهُمْ وَمِنكَ وَمِن نُّوحٍ وَإِبْرَاهِيمَوَمُوسَى وَعِيسَى ابْنِ مَرْيَمَ وَأَخَذْنَا مِنْهُم مِّيثَاقًا غَلِيظًاThe Qur'an speaks of the intimate and close relationship of the two spouses in these words: هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ
They are like garments unto you as you are like garments unto them [Q 2:187]. By using the simile of ‘garments’, 4 significant dimensions of the relationship are highlighted ...Covering, Protection, Adornment and Intimacy.
Live by Higher PrinciplesTo meet the needs and take on the challenges that come with relationships, each person needs to make an inventory of characteristics that will help him/her to get closer to the people he/she cares about. A good model for marital relationship is structured around five higher principals: Love, Respect, Understanding, Acceptance and Appreciation.Human beings find it easier to love when there is respect, mutuality, care and trust; and some degree of love and care are necessary requirements for sustaining any meaningful relationship.Whether it be parent, child, spouse or friend; all relationships require this element of respect. Wise ones have said:
He removes the greatest ornament of relationship who takes away from it respect. Remember, HAR KASIE, AAN DARAWAT AQIBATE KAAR, KE KESHT “
he who plants kindness (and compassion) harvests love.”
[Persian poet, Sheikh Sa'di Shirazi]Never Abandon Respect Witnessing disrespect in action is always an unpleasant experience and when the disrespect or insult emanates from those who supposedly love us it is most demeaning, cruel and painful. How ugly it is when people abandon basic notions of respect, take their relationships for granted, and treat familiarity as some sort of dispensation from the fundamental rules of civility. People who humiliate their dear ones allow familiarity to breed contempt.
Change ? Most Muslims I meet want to change the world, make it more "Islamic". Isn't it ironic how many of us have joined the band humming the tune of "Shari'ah" yet how few march according to its words. Isn't it strange how many of us suffer moral myopia, where we see every little fault in others yet are blind to our own. Was it not our beloved leader (pbuh) who said, "
Glad tidings to those more concerned about their own shortcomings than bothering about the faults of others." Many people consider themselves ‘good’ despite their despicable behavior. This is possible only because they try to rationalize their wrongs. When we make rational decisions - that is reasoning before deciding it is commendable when we rationalize, however, we invent reasons to justify our decisions and actions. Often rationalizing is nothing more than self-convincing justification for improper conduct. We would do well to heed the wisdom of an old Afro-Arab saying: "
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." So to improve life in this world let's begin by changing one important person; it may be a friend, it may be a neighbor, it may be a spouse, but most likely it will be your self.
Inculcate the 5Cs, 5As and 5Ss for Happy RelationshipsAll relationships, all individuals wish for happiness, and happiness is a healthy mental attitude, a grateful spirit, a clear conscience, and a heart full of love. Good relationships are truly friendships in which joy is multiplied and grief is shared. Inculcate …5Cs = Commitment, Compassion/Care, Communication/ConsultationConsideration/Compromise, Contribution5As = Anticipation, Adaptation, Accommodation, Acceptance, Appreciation5Ss = Sincerity, Security, Sharing, Support, SatisfactionWise ones have explained that
relationships -- of all kinds -- are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.Ideal SpousesThe best of blessings for the husband is to have … زوجة لا تبغيه خوفا في نفسها و مالها
a faithful wife who does not betray her husband either in personality or in wealth. As for the husband و عاشروهن بالمعروف
live with your wife in keeping with the best of standards.The Prophet (pbuh) said :
ألا أخبركم بخياركم ؟من لا منكبه و حسُن ُخُلقه و أكرم زوجته اذا قدر Shall I inform you of the best among you? The respectful gentleman, who has good manners and honors his wife as best he can. In fact, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) told his companions; خيركم خيركم لنسائهم
the measure of the goodness of a man is measured by how he treats women. الخلق عيا ل الله فأحب الخلق الى الله من نفع عيا ل اللهو ادخل على اهل بيت مسروراThe creation of Allah are all dependants of Allah, and the most loved of Allah’s creation are those most beneficial to His dependants; those whose presence make the members of the house happy.
[Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)]Grow to be more Beautiful Physical attraction is often the first step towards marriage, but it is something that wanes as time goes by. Inner attraction has a greater lifespan. Each one has some physical beauty, but all of us can develop a more permanent beauty through a loving relationship. The secret is, that some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty; it merely moves from being less on the face to more in the heart. If the heart be right, little else would be wrong.
Back to khutbah list