Controlling Anger
| Khatib : | Sadullah Khan |
| Khutbah No: | 280 |
| Khutbah Date: | 06/13/08 |
فَمَا أُوتِيتُم مِّن شَيْءٍ فَمَتَاعُ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا
وَمَا عِندَ اللَّهِ خَيْرٌ وَأَبْقَى لِلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَلَى رَبِّهِمْ يَتَوَكَّلُونَ
وَالَّذِينَ يَجْتَنِبُونَ كَبَائِرَ الْإِثْمِ وَالْفَوَاحِشَ وَإِذَا مَا غَضِبُوا هُمْ يَغْفِرُونَ
"...(Those who put their trust in Allah) are they who avoid major sin and impropriety; and even when they have cause to be angry, they forgive" [Qur'an 42:37]
In these challenging times, with increasing economic strains that affects our lifestyles, our choices; that is increasingly unpredictable which in turn is limiting our options … there has been a tremendous escalation of frustration, and a sense of hopelessness and even desperation. Many have become emotionally drained.
Human beings as Emotive beings
Human beings are emotive beings who experience feelings all the time. Some of these feelings are positive (love, joy) while others are negative (hatred, envy). Emotions such as fear, jealousy, despair and anger are among the most challenging, most difficult, and potentially most destructive of human experiences; yet such experiences are inescapable. Some people learn to live with them, few ignore them, many magnify them, some die for them and others kill for them.
In these challenging days, tensions increase in close circles (whether at work or at home) and anger (fuelled by haplessness and disappointments) is becoming a very common feature in many circles and more particularly in homes.
Human beings do get Angry
It is said that to be human is to be angry some of the time. Anyone or anything can make us angry and everyone at some time does get angry. Depending on personality, temperament, and the ability to manage emotions and control reactions; the intensity of anger varies dramatically from person to person.
Since different causes require different responses, it is absolutely essential that we identify the root cause of our anger, analyze the reasoning and react with the most appropriate response. The response should never be vulgar or abusive. "The Believer is never a provoker nor a curser, neither indecent nor abusive." Prophet Muhammad [pbuh]
Acknowledging Anger
- Anger is a normal human emotion and we've all felt it at some time: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as fuming infuriation. Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (boss) or event (a traffic jam). Anger could be caused by worrying about personal problems, or about memories of traumatic and enraging events that trigger angry feelings.
- Anger and frustration are at times caused by inescapable problems in our lives. The belief that every problem has a solution adds to our frustration when we find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus anxiously only on finding the solution, but also on how to handle and face the problem.
- When anger gets out of control, it turns destructive and could lead to major problems - at work, in personal relationships, and in the overall quality of one's life; making one feel as though one is at the mercy of an unpredictable and uncontrollable emotion.
Use and Abuse of Anger
Anger is an extremely powerful emotion. If allowed to build up inside a person, it could be like pressure building up in a pot of boiling water with a lid on. "Anger is a great force. If you control it, it can be transmuted into power". There is an ancient Indian saying that states ... hell has three gates: lust, anger and greed. Prophet Muhammad said:
إن الغضب يفسد الايمان كما يفسد الخل العسل
"Anger can spoil character like vinegar
spoils honey."
An old African saying warns us about the fact that anger is often more damaging than the injury that caused it.
Consequences of Anger
"Consider how much more you suffer from your anger than from those very things for which you are angry." [Roman orator, Marcus Antonius].
Inappropriate anger, which occurs when there is a more intense reaction than the situation merits; affects us negatively in every way ...
- Health
- stress, heart attacks. Also remember the warning, that for every minute of anger, you give up 60 seconds of peace of mind.
- Social risks
- physical abuse of others, criminality. Most crimes committed against loved ones are due to jealousy and anger. "How much more grievous are the results of anger than the causes of it."
- damaging or destroying bonds of relationships. "When anger rises, think of the consequences." [Confucius]
- Irrational/Irregular behavior.
- say/do something hurtful/harmful in a fit of anger which you may later regret. "If you are patient in one moment of anger, you'll escape a hundred days of sorrow." [Ancient Chinese saying]
Avoid Getting Angry Unnecessarily
- Be mature enough to accept the fact that people do differ and that your opinion may seem the best to you, but may not be seen as such by others and may just not really be the best perspective. Learn the art of agreeing to disagree.
- Do not argue over every issue and remember that some things are just not worth "fighting" over, so pick your battles wisely.
- Regain your perspective before engaging others too deeply in issues or discussions
- Don't insult, ridicule, interrogate, preach, threaten or bring up old resentments when engaging others. Stick to the discussion as far as is beneficial and do not engage others with the aim of undermining them for it also diminishes your own integrity.
- Be clear in your expression and choose words wisely.
- Do not involve everyone in your "fight". If you are really right, you do not need everyone else to label the other as wrong. This only widens the circle of hostility.
- If there is any problem, focus on solving it; do not fan the flames any further.
Whosoever restrains his anger, Allah will cover
his personal wrongs.
[Imaam Ja'far as-Saadiq]
وَ مَنْ كَفَّ غَضَبَهُ كَفَّ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ عَذَابَهُ ؛
Whoever controls his anger, Allah will withhold His punishment from him;
[Bayhaqi]
Self-Control is as Essential as Anger is Inevitable
- As a normal human emotion, anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats and violations. Anger evokes powerful feelings and behaviors which allow us to fight and defend ourselves when attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival.
- To be human is to be angry sometimes and since we cannot get rid of anger, or completely avoid the things or the people that anger us (nor can we totally change them) we can learn to control our reactions.
- Not being able to change people should not prevent us from changing the way we let such events affect us. We can control our angry responses and keep them from making us even more unhappy, more frustrated and more angry in the long run.
- We must ensure that we control our anger and that anger does not control us.
- It requires emotional wisdom
and great strength of character to control one's self when angry; as the
Prophet intimated ...
Strong is not the one who wrestles another down,
Rather, strong is the one who is able to control the self when angry.
The Challenge of Anger
The ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, summed up the challenge that anger poses to each one of us. He said: "Anyone can become angry. That is easy. However, to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, in the right manner... that is not so easy."
Remember, you can't eliminate anger - and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all efforts, things will happen that will cause anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change all that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you and you can control your angry responses and keep them from making you even more unhappy, more frustrated and angrier in the long run. Ensure that you control your anger and that it does not control you. Strong is not the one who wrestles another down, rather strong is the one who is able to control the self when angry. [Prophet Muhammad pbuh]. He also said …
أربَعٌ مَن كُنَّ فِيهِ حَرَّمَهُ الله تَعَلَى عَلَى النَّارِ وَ عَصَمَهُ مِنَ الشَّيطَانِ :
مَلَكَ نَفسَهُ حِينَ يَرغَبُ ، وَ حِينَ يَرهَبُ ، وَ حِينَ يَشتَهِي ، وَ حِينَ يَغضَب
Whoever possesses these four (abilities), Allah Most High
will save him from punishment and protect him from evil;
the ability to control himself … when desiring, when in fear,
when craving and when angry.