Resolving Conflict (Part 2) ~ Problem-solving in Close Relationships

 Resolve matters between your dear ones
[Qur'an 49:10]

Human beings concur, human beings differ. When we agree, there is no discord; but when we disagree, it is essential to realize that how we understand and handle our differences will determine whether we let our disagreements be resolved or escalate into conflict.
It is unreasonable to assume that every problem will be solved, but solutions can be found for most problems if the time is taken to define, analyze and examine them logically, creatively and thoroughly. Many people simply do not take the time to explore the underlying causes and the probable options and tend to offer quick-fix ?¢‚ǨÀúsolutions?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢. The quick-fix approach is often a hurried and superficial one that makes problem-solving difficult because the deeper issues are most often ignored.

Defining the Problem

It is very important that the problem be adequately defined and the underlying hidden issues explored so that the most viable options can be proposed. If the problem is not carefully identified then it is extremely difficult to find satisfactory solutions. In fact, if a person is unable to define the problem, he/she is highly unlikely to offer a resolution, because identifying the problem is most probably the key to its solution.
 
Ask the following questions:

In order to objectively address the problem, start by focusing more on the issues than on the people. So, don't jump to "Who is causing the problem?" because that affixes blame which may be fueled by prejudice.

From Problem to Solution, Conflict to Resolution

It is absolutely essential that we be aware of the where we are and where we want to be in relation to resolving the conflict or solving a problem.
 
Initial state ?¢‚Ǩ‚Äú present, problematic state
Goal State ?¢‚Ǩ‚Äú desired, resolution state

Problem Solving/Conflict Resolution is an attempt to move the adversaries from the problematic state to the resolution state as soon and as smoothly as possible. Such a process requires a series of actions, carefully selected from a range of available options to bring the present state closer to the goal. It must be remembered that different actions will have different effects on the state; some of these effects will bring the present state closer to the goal, others will rather push it farther away and may increase the tension and escalate the conflict. So carefully consider the options.

5 Attitudinal Responses

  1. My way => too aggressive, ignoring rights of others
  2. No way => no compromise, no negotiation
  3. Your way => too passive, ignoring own rights
  4. Half way => compromise 50/50, but could be too much / too little.
  5. Our way => co-operation

?¢‚Ǩ?ìIf you are harsh of tongue and hard of heart, those around you would depart from you.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù
[Qur?¢‚Ǩ‚Ñ¢an 3:159]

?¢‚Ǩ?ìEach of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.?¢‚Ǩ¬ù
[Philippians 2:3]

7 Steps to Resolving Conflict

Consider conflict as a positive interaction for the discovery of creative solutions.

  1. Define the problem and agree on a mutually acceptable time and place to discus the problem with a commitment to resolve rather than escalate the conflict.
  2. State the problem as you see it and list your concerns. Be clear, calm and honest. Own your statements (using ?¢‚Ǩ?ìI?¢‚Ǩ¬ù statements) while withholding judgments, accusations, and absolute statements such as ?¢‚Ǩ?ìyou always" or "you never"...
  3. Let the other person have his/her say without interrupting, contradicting, name-calling, put-downs, threats, obscenities, yelling, or intimidating behavior. Ask fact-based questions (who? what? where? when? how?) to make sure you understand the situation. Avoid accusatory "why" questions (why are you like that?).
    "Empathy is the biggest negotiation tool. I must try to understand where the other person's coming from to make points for my side." [Humanitarian, Lee Ducat]
  4. Keep it future focused. Stick to one conflict at a time -- to the issue at hand. Do not deviate from the matter at hand by unnecessarily changing the subject or allowing it to be changed.
  5. Work towards shared goodwill, seek common ground, and consider mutual concerns.
  6. In brainstorming possible solutions, suggest alternatives rather than demanding personal change and acknowledge the attempts made by each party towards the resolution.
  7. Agree on the most acceptable way to resolve the conflict and act upon it, and if the discussion breaks down, agree to meet again.

Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict -- alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence. [Writer, Dorothy Thompson]

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