Dealing With Anger ~ An Islamic Perspective (part 5)
Whosoever restrains his anger, Allah will cover his personal wrongs.
[Imaam Ja'far as-Saadiq]
Self-Control is as Essential as Anger is Inevitable
- As a normal human emotion, anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats and violations. Anger evokes powerful feelings and behaviors which allow us to fight and defend ourselves when attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival.
- To be human is to be angry sometimes and since we cannot get rid of anger, or completely avoid the things or the people that anger us (nor can we totally change them) we can learn to control our reactions.
- Not being able to change people should not prevent us from changing the way we let such events affect us. We can control our angry responses and keep them from making us even more unhappy, more frustrated and more angry in the long run.
- We must ensure that we control our anger and that anger does not control us.
- It requires emotional wisdom and great strength of character to control one's self when angry;
as the Prophet intimated ...
Strong is not the one who wrestles another down,
Rather, strong is the one who is able to control the self when angry. - From Cognitive Incapacitation to Cognitive Restructuring
When anger rises, it can overwhelm even the best of thoughts and actions; and even when justified, anger can quickly become irrational thereby obliterating clear thinking.
(This condition is referred to by psychologists as cognitive incapacitation).
To counter cognitive incapacitation, a levelheaded response or cognitive restructuring is required.
(Cognitive Restructuring means changing the way you think, moving from unreasonableness to structured sensible thought patterns.)
Logic defeats anger, because anger tends to lend itself to irrational behavior. - Direct Engagement
Expressing angry feelings in an assertive - not aggressive - manner is the healthiest way to express anger. Processing anger by dealing directly with those who offend us, we synchronize our feelings and our actions, as well as focus our energy on relating first hand with those who angered us. - Descriptive Response
{Using example of a husband/uncle who insults his wife/nephew in public}
- Describe what he did that angered you (his behavior)
When you insult me in front of people ... - Describe what you feel (your emotion)
I feel humiliated ... - Provide validation for your anger (justification for your anger)
Because as a human being, and (more than that) as one so close to you, I do not deserve to be belittled in private nor in public ... - Suggest what you expect (solution to prevent that which angered you)
Please stop disgracing me.
- Describe what he did that angered you (his behavior)
- release our tension by expressing our anger
- prevent jeopardizing our relationship by avoiding a direct verbal confrontation and developing a more carefully worded expression of our emotions. Writing has the advantage of providing us the opportunity to reflect, cool down, edit, rewrite and restate our emotions.
- allow our mental energy to be directed towards a rational solution
- employ a constructive way of communicating our feelings
- deliver/mail the letter; or even bury the letter and thereby symbolically burying the anger.
Appropriate Expression of Anger
The following three elements could assist us in formulating an appropriate response when we are angered...
Some people suggest moving from the stage of cognitive restructuring to an Indirect Response. This entails writing a letter and stating exactly how we feel. By using this non-destructive and indirect outlet to express our emotion, we ...