Dealing With Anger ~ An Islamic Perspective (part 4)
Whoever is not able to control his anger is not in control of his cognitive faculty either
[Imaam Ja'far as-Saadiq]
Some dimensions of our relationships do not always accord with reason, and this, at the very least, could be highly irritating. Always remember though: "everything that irritates us about others can lead to a better understanding of ourselves." [Psychologist, Carl Jung]
Anger evoked by Irrationality of others
There are people who; in particular situations, may evoke a negative feeling in us due to their irrationality. Irrationalities that involve, undue criticism, personal attacks, distortion of truth, misrepresentation of facts or generating unwarranted focus. These may leave us hurt, disturbed, frightened, and often angry. A tremendous amount of moral maturity and emotional wisdom is required to deal effectively with irrational people, especially if these are near or dear ones.
Signs of Irrationality
Besides ensuring that you are not the one being irrational, it is crucial to consider the following in identifying irrationality in others. Ask !
- Do they ...
- have a tendency to argue with almost every one over virtually every matter?
- show complete disinterest and disrespect for opinions/perspectives that differs from theirs?
- refuse to agree to disagree?
- have a habit or reputation for being deliberately controversial?
- have a history of attacking, insulting, humiliating others?
- Do people whose objectivity your respect have a similar opinion of the person in question?
Responding to Irrationality
- Reasoning with the Irrational?
Maintaining our sense of mental and emotional balance is absolutely essential. Everything we do should accord with reason.- Part of exercising our highest intellect is realizing that reasoning with those who are gripped in irrationality rarely works because there is often a gap between reality and the irrationality of those who attack us.
- The miscalculation we usually make is seeing the attackers, not as they are, but as we would like them to be.
- Though we may agree to disagree it is often the disagreeing that the other party does not agree to.
- Anger grows when we find our reasonableness unappreciated and ignored.
- Defending Oursleves?
Every person has a right to defend himself/herself. However, at the particular moment of exploding emotions and blind impulses, emotional wisdom demands that we do what is best in reducing the potential for anger to clash with irrationality.
Anger + Irrationality = >Irrationality + >Anger = Disastrous Consequences
Remember, that challenging the "attacker" at that moment increases the hostility and never leads to a peaceful or amicable resolution. Be conscious that you are engaged in a dynamic process in which sense of reasoning, sensitivity, timing and flexibility are most crucial.
Dealing Effectively with Irrationality
- Understanding Why You are the Target of the Irrational Attack
Identifying the source and cause of the irrationality helps you to respond more effectively and appropriately to the attack.
People attack you because they ...- Misunderstand you
- Misinterpret something you expressed
- Disagree with your perspective
- Dislike you or something you represent
- Prejudge you for your race, religion, gender, physical features...
- Envy you
- Want to control you
- Consider you an obstacle or a challenge to their interest
- Feel threatened by your position which taps into their fears about their own inadequacies
- Are disappointed that you do not fulfill their unrealistic expectations
- Are mentally/emotionally unstable (which may distort their perception of reality) or chronically angry
Since different causes require different responses, it is absolutely essential that we identify the root cause, analyze the reasoning and react with the most appropriate response. The response should never be vulgar or abusive.
"The Believer is never a provoker nor a curser, neither indecent nor abusive." [Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)]
Remember that it is more important to resolve a conflict effectively than immediately. - Being cognizant of the fact that you are probably dealing with a triple dysfunction
- An irrational attack
- The attacker's conviction that he/she is correct
- Something in them may be triggering their attack
- Initiate a Calculated Rational Response
Being convinced that the attack against you is undeserved and potentially harmful to you and your relationship with the person, your primary goal now is ...- not to control/defeat your attacker
- not to defend your self or your views
- to control your reaction to the irrational attack
- to create a path that could lead to a restoration of respectability and a mutually functional relationship
A calculated response to an irrational attack includes the following:- Empathize - responding to your attacker in a progressive manner that allows you to relate to him/her
at an amicable wavelength. By empathizing (not sympathizing) with the attacker you convey that you understand
his/her perspective.
(Sympathizing implies that you agree with his/her perspective).
Empathy could be the most effective tool in disarming one who may be upset or hurt and may go much further to resolve conflict and repair relationships than efforts to defend one's self and prove the attacker wrong. - Be a gentleman/lady because you are one though he/she may not be behaving like one. - Letting the attacker know that he/she has been heard and understood and making him/her realize that no irrational provocation on his/her part is going to make you respond in a like manner will ensure that you do not give his/her irrationality any more stature than it deserves. This also may open the doorway to a measure of civil conversation and perchance a restoration of respectable mode of communication.
A person asked Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) to inform him about removing barriers on one's way to paradise.
The Prophet (pbuh) replied:
Do not be prone to anger,
Do not ask people for things,
And wish for others what you wish for yourself.