Dealing With Anger ~ An Islamic Perspective (part 3)
Anger is the key to every type of wrong.
[Prophet Muhammad pbuh]
Be part of the solution, not part of the problem
All issues, whether disturbances, problems, strife, turmoil or conflicts; can be handled by ...
- understanding the root cause of the problem
- acknowledging the reality thereof
- dealing effectively with it by surviving (and hopefully conquering) it
All this can only be done if one is committed to being part of the solution rather than being part of the problem. Part of the Problem in dealing with anger is ...
- Inappropriate Anger
This is generally of two types:- Over Reaction
When there is a more intense reaction than the situation requires. - Past Anger
When anger is fuelled by unresolved past hurt or pain, we are unable to let go of old resentments. This historical component blocks our path and prevents us from traversing beyond the past. Holding on to our anger holds us back.
[Recall story of the monkey and the banana]
- Over Reaction
- Irrational People (External)
Some dimensions of our relationships (as social beings) do not always accord with reason. There are people in situations who may evoke a negative feeling in us due to their irrationality. Such irrationality may leave us hurt, disturbed, frightened or angry. A tremendous amount of moral maturity and emotional wisdom is required to deal effectively with irrational people. [See Lesson 4] We should remember, however, that "everything that irritates us about others can lead to an understanding of ourselves." [Psychologist, Carl Jung]
- Irrational Thinking (Internal)
One of the major setbacks in the lives of many people is living with the belief that our way ...- is the only way
- is always the best way
This has a direct consequence on anger, since people who are prone to anger tend to have a set pattern of attitudes that predispose them to react in a hostile manner.
Thinking in a particular pattern creates a mental path, the mental path affects our attitude and our behavior, and these reflect our personality and character. It must be remembered however, that every attitude and habit, whether good or bad, is acquired and therefore can be disowned. The brilliant Roman slave-philosopher who lived around the time of Prophet 'Isa /Jesus (pbuh) said: "If you do not wish to be prone to anger then do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may cause it increase."
Among the modes of irrational thinking are ...- Revenge Thoughts / Grudge Holding
This appears to be an attempt to 'control' negative attitudes by retaining angry feelings. This may create a pseudo self-esteem of feeling good about relishing ideas of harming / hating others. This tends to fan the flames of anger in a person without actually dealing with the reality of the issue. - Piggybacking
Bringing up past issues during an argument thus diverting from the current issue to old, unresolved hurts / pains. The current issue remains unsolved. - Close-minded, egocentric, entitlement, false consensus thinking
Stubborn insistence on one own way of thinking, disregarding other people's perspectives, considering your self entitled to your view and demanding respect without according the same rights to others, taking every criticism as a personal attack; and being under the wrong assumption that "most others' think like you. The wise ones have said that only fools think that the whole world holds their opinion. They also said that when a person is wrong and won't admit it, he gets angry. - Projectionist and blameful thinking
The tendency to ignore one's own shortcomings and focusing on the faults of others. Whenever they are blameworthy, they project or transfer the focus of negativity on to others. - Over-generalized and catastrophe thinking
Giving so much attention to minor issues that they are enlarged into major points of contention, generalizing solitary incidents and always thinking the worst of any situation.
Irrational thinking robs us of the opportunity to change those very aspects of ourselves that keeps us stuck in negative patterns of thought. We tend then to become emotionally explosive. The Lebanese poet, Khalil Gibran asked poignantly; " If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom."