Islamic Center of Irvine

Dealing With Anger ~ An Islamic Perspective (part 2)

Strong is not the one who wrestles another down, rather strong is the one who is able to control the self when angry
[Prophet Muhammad pbuh]

Acknowledging Anger

Anger is a normal human emotion and we've all felt it at some time: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as fuming infuriation. Anger can be caused by bothexternal and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (boss) or event (a traffic jam). Anger could be caused by worrying about personal problems, or about memories of traumatic and enraging events that trigger angry feelings.
Anger is a chain of simultaneous body and mind reaction, which happens quickly as a response to threat or perceived threat. It takes one thirtieth of a second from threat to reaction for the chain of mind and body reactions to take place!
The response of anger can serve many different functions because not all anger is misplaced; in fact often it's a healthy, natural response to challenges. Some people with low self-esteem automatically substitute anger during threatening experiences (due to their fears of being seen as vulnerable). Often negative emotions serve to manipulate, control or intimidate others. Sometimes one even substitutes an inappropriate emotion for another response out of fear. When a person is wrong and won't admit it, he tends to get angry. Getting angry when frightened or crying when frustrated, are also examples of misguided emotion.
Anger and frustration are at times caused by inescapable problems in our lives. The belief that every problem has a solution adds to our frustration when we find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus anxiously only on finding the solution, but also on how to handle and face the problem.
When anger gets out of control, it turns destructive and could lead to major problems - at work, in personal relationships, and in the overall quality of one's life; making one feel as though one is at the mercy of an unpredictable and uncontrollable emotion.

Aim of Anger Management

The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you totally change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.

Understanding Anger

In order to deal effectively with anger, we have to understand it, analyze it, and evaluate ways of responding to it.

Stages of Anger
There is a progression of anger build up. Catch and interrupt your anger in the early stages. The earlier one interrupts the emotion the easier it is to disrupt it from progressing to rage.
Irritation --> Frustration --> Anger --> Rage --> Aggression
Responding to & Expressing Anger
Anger is a coping mechanism for dealing with some event that threatens our body, property, self esteem, values and persons we hold dear.
- Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. We can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates us; and laws, social norms, religious sentiments and common sense place limits on how far we could express our anger.
- If the same mean thing happened to ten different people, they all would react differently. Some would get angry, some afraid, some saddened, some depressed and some would ignore it. Different people react differently to the same event depending on their character, personal history and how they have learned to deal with threat, stress, insult, injury or loss. Adlai Stevens said that you can tell the size of a person by the size of the thing that makes him mad. As early philosophers have said, it is not so much what happens to you, but how you deal with what happens that matters most. Responding to problematic situations and expressing emotions, is of great significance and since getting angry at times is human, it is what we do with our anger that is important. We could use ...
  - to lash out at others and harm them
  - to speak out with firmness increase our self esteem
  - to correct a situation that is wrong
  - turning it inwards and damaging ourselves
Processing Anger
The Event --> Thoughts of the Event --> Consequent Emotion --> Self-Talk
- Incident or issue that provokes fervent displeasure
- Meaning or Interpretation given to what happened
- Emotions evoked
- Self-talk - hot thoughts or cool down.
  (Negative self-talk inflames anger. Positive self-talk can help decrease anger.)
Keys to Anger control
Imam Ja'far as_Sadiq said: whoever is not able to control his anger is not in control of his cognitive faculty either. When anger rises, it can overwhelm even the best of actions, and even when justified, anger can quickly become irrational thereby obliterating clear thinking; a condition referred to by psychologists as cognitive incapacitation. To counter cognitive incapacitation, levelheaded response or cognitive restructuring is required. Cognitive Restructuring means changing the way you think, moving from unreasonableness to structured sensible thought patterns. Logic defeats anger, because anger tends to lend itself to irrational behavior. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is reported to have said: whosoever allows his intellect to supersede his emotions/desires surpasses the angels.
Attempt the following:
1. Recognize the emotion
2. Accept the fact that you've been angered and control your thinking
3. Choose your reaction (pause --- cool down)
  - breathe deeply
  - decrease inflammatory hot thoughts
  - be in control of the situation
  Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) advised that when angry, if standing then sit down, if sitting then lie down. He also suggested performing ablution. Change in thoughts or change in activity deflects angry thoughts.
4. Choose a higher level of anger response
  Monitor your level of arousal and check which other emotions accompany or substitute for anger and what you tell yourself to keep yourself caught in anger
Watch your thoughts. Learn what angers you. What do you tell yourself to make yourself angry? What do you say to keep yourself angry? You turn your anger up or down by your thoughts. What calming statements do you say to let go of inflaming thoughts?
Dealing with Angry Feelings
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are ... expressing, suppressing, and calming down.
1. Expressing angry feelings in an assertive - not aggressive - manner is the healthiest way to express anger
2. Suppressing anger and then redirecting it. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior.
  - The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward - on yourself. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
3. Calming down. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, and let the feelings subside. Hadrat 'Ali advised, "Anger could be a raging fire. Whoever subdues anger puts out the fire; whoever can not subdue anger gets burnt."
Avoid Getting Angry Unnecessarily
1. Be mature enough to accept the fact that people do differ and that your opinion may seem the best to you, but may not be seen as such by others and may just not really be the best perspective. Learn the art of agreeing to disagree.
2. Do not argue over every issue and remember that some things are just not worth "fighting" over, so pick your battles wisely.
3. Regain your perspective before engaging others too deeply in issues or discussions
4. Don't insult, ridicule, interrogate, preach, threaten or bring up old resentments when engaging others. Stick to the discussion as far as is beneficial and do not engage others with the aim of undermining them for it also diminishes your own integrity.
5. Be clear in your expression and choose words wisely.
6. Do not involve everyone in your "fight". If you are really right, you do not need everyone else to label the other as wrong. This only widens the circle of hostility.
7. If there is any problem, focus on solving it; do not fan the flames any further.

Conclusion

Remember, you can't eliminate anger - and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all efforts, things will happen that will cause anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change all that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you and you can control your angry responses and keep them from making you even more unhappy, more frustrated and angrier in the long run. Ensure that you control your anger and that it does not control you.

Remember, strong is not the one who wrestles another down, rather strong is the one who is able to control the self when angry. [Prophet Muhammad pbuh]