Change The Way You Are
Many people consider themselves good despite their despicable behaviour. This is possible only because they try to rationalize their wrongs, writes Sadullah Khan, a lecturer at California State University and at the Academy of Judaic, Christian and Islamic Studies at UCLA, Los Angeles, USA.
When we make rational decisions - that is reasoning before deciding it is commendable when we rationalize, however, we invent reasons to justify our decisions and actions. Often rationalizing is nothing more than self-convincing justification for improper conduct.
The Abusive Husband
While advising a troubled couple, the abusive husband insults his wife in my presence. I immediately express my disgust at his behaviour and reprimand him. Feeling somewhat embarrassed he says three things in his defense, all of which are commonly used by such husbands, none of which are acceptable. He says: "'This is the way I am. I am under a lot of pressure. And anyway, I hardly ever insult her."
"The way I am" may not be the way to be
Using "pressure" as a self-satisfying reason for our impropriety is merely an excuse, not a moral justification. "That's the way I am" is a commonly used response to criticism and a despicable and unacceptable ethical shortcut for moral weakness. It is a ploy to make others accept your bad habits and undesirable conduct as an intrinsic part of your character. Uncontrolled rage, rudeness and abusive behaviour is therefore treated as if it were a matter of being one's self. It certainly is not; rather, it is a major character flaw.
Though character is influenced by many factors it is always determined by choice. We are what we allow ourselves to become because character is a function of choice. If we are not what we ought to be then we should have the decency to change for the better. To remain a despicable person and expect others to "accept you as you are" goes contrary to the very mission of that beloved Prophet whom we all claim to follow, that Prophet (pbuh) who said: "I have been sent to improve human pattern of behaviour."
Relative Corruption
Character is constantly sculpted and shaped by the choices we make, whether we nurture our nobler instincts or ignore them by surrendering to lowly negative impulses. The statement "I hardly ever insult her" is disgusting because it is not an expression of confession but rather an assertion of moral superiority. It fits into the category of self-image preserving rationalization or what I would call "relative corruption". It implies "I do not always do it". True, but the fact that you allow yourself to do it at all is terrible in itself.
Abandoning Respect
Witnessing disrespect in action is always an unpleasant experience and when the disrespect or insult emanates from those who supposedly love us it is most demeaning, cruel and painful. How ugly it is when people abandon basic notions of respect, take their relationships for granted, and treat familiarity as some sort of dispensation from the fundamental rules of civility. People who humiliate their dear ones allow familiarity to breed contempt.
Changing the World
Most Muslims I meet want to change the world, make it more "Islamic". Isn't it ironic how many of us have joined the band humming the tune of "Shari'ah" yet how few march according to its words. Isn't it strange how many of us suffer moral myopia, where we see every little fault in others yet are blind to our own. Was it not our beloved leader (pbuh) who said, "Glad tidings to those more concerned about their own shortcomings than bothering about the faults of others."
We would do well to heed the wisdom of an old African saying: "The journey of a thousand
miles begins with one step." So to improve life in this world let's begin by changing one
important person; it may be a friend, it may be a neighbor, it may be a spouse, but most likely
it will be our self.