Assertiveness ~ An Islamic Perspective (Part 4)
[Qur'an 14:24-25]
Words uttered by the tongue have the potential for tremendous impact on the speaker and the listener; they can comfort or console, it can hurt or humiliate. It is no wonder that Islam considers "a good word better than doing a favor or giving charity which is followed by hurt". [Qur'an 2:263] Words do have impact, but the way words are received depends on the ones listening. The meaning that people give to words most often determines how they respond to them.
Response to Assertiveness
It must be realized that just because you are assertive does not mean that you will always receive a positive response. Your appropriate assertiveness may solicit unwanted and unwarranted reactions. Among the adverse reactions you may encounter are ...
- Aggression ~ the other person may react with verbal and physical hostility such as shouting, cursing,
pushing or threatening).
Do not react aggressively; realize that the other person is angry, that it is a continuous pattern of his/her aggressiveness, and though you regret him/her being distressed you affirm your position by not backing down without being provocative. - Backbiting ~ the other person may try to neutralize the effect of your affirmativeness by protesting
behind your back.
Do not unduly pursue incidences of backbiting for your whole life will become preoccupied with finding out who said what about you to whom. Ignore them. - Denying ~ the other person may deny what he/she said, meant or did.
Do not be accusatory but re-assert your position so that the record is clear as to what you are assertive about. (e.g. "Whoever suggested that I am not interested in the affairs of this institution needs to know that that is absolutely untrue. I reaffirm what I always declared, and that is that I have the greatest concern for the welfare of this institution.") - Exaggerating ~ the other person may over-apologize, act over-humble, praise you excessively or avoid
you completely.
All forms of extremes are unnecessary and potentially harmful. The other person's behavior may be false, and could lead him/her to passivity or passive-aggressive behavior towards you. Inform the other person that it is not necessary for him/her to act that way and merely reaffirm the issue you have been assertive about in the first place. - Mocking ~ the other person may undermine your affirmativeness by making sarcastic reference to your
assertiveness.
The person may say things about you such as, "He/She has suddenly become outspoken" or "He/She has now grown too big for his/her boots". Do not allow yourself to be dragged into responding to sarcasm for it could lead to aggressiveness on both sides and may undo your efforts at being assertive. - Sulking ~ the other person may display how hurt he/she is by your assertiveness, through expressing
self-pity or even crying. Some people display psychosomatic (mental-emotional) reactions; feeling faint or
even suggesting that they are getting a 'heart attack'.
If you allow the other person's sulking or your pity for his/her condition to overcome you, chances are that the other person will always get his/her way and make you feel guilty of your assertiveness. Do not deliberately hurt the person by being insensitive, but do not back down or apologize for your assertiveness.
Assertiveness is empowering because it ...
- facilitates direct efficient communication
- allows us to express our range of emotions effectively
- reduces our fears and anxieties when interacting with others
- permits us to say "no" without feeling guilty
- directs us to confront the source of our problems and thereby enables our message to be heard without distortion.
- prevents others from taking advantage of us or taking us for granted
- promotes self-confidence
- increases self-esteem
Exercise Propriety ?¢‚Ǩ¬¶ ALWAYS
Though we should speak the truth even if it is bitter, we should never be vulgar in the content or
the manner of our speech. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
"The Believer is never one who taunts, nor one who curses; is neither indecent nor abusive."