Islamic Center of Irvine

Assertiveness ~ An Islamic Perspective (Part 3)

If you were harsh of speech and hard-hearted, those around you would forsake you
[Qur'an 3:159]

Techniques for Assertiveness

Communication techniques

Being assertive manifests itself through a particular kind of attitude, a particular kind of behavior, a particular kind of expression. Note that it is not only what you say verbally, but also how you communicate non-verbally that will influence and impact others. Assertive behavior looks and sounds different from aggressive or passive behavior.
It is therefore important that ...

your body language (facial expression, hand gestures, eye contact, posture
your verbal expression (appropriate choice of words)
and
the tone of your voice (sound pleasant, but firm)

match the message you are trying to convey.

Direct Engagement

Expressing feelings in an assertive - not aggressive - manner is the healthiest way to express one's self. Processing our emotional reaction by dealing directly with those who offend us, we synchronize our feelings with our actions, as well as focus our energy on relating first hand with those who upset us. It is thus best to employ a descriptive response to disturbing situations.

Direct Descriptive Response
{ Using example of a husband/uncle who insults his wife/nephew in public }
1. Describe what he did that disturbs you (his behavior)
  When you insult me in front of people ...
2. Describe what you feel (your emotion)
  I feel humiliated ...
3. Provide validation for your annoyance (justification for your feelings)
  Because as a human being, and (more than that) as one so close to you, I do not deserve to be belittled in private nor in public ...
4. Suggest what you expect (solution to prevent that which offends you)
  Please stop disgracing me ...

Assertiveness leads us to ...

consider ourselves independent, capable, and full human beings among other human beings.
try and understand the feelings of others as well as our own before engaging the other.
enter into conversations spontaneously and naturally using a moderate tone and a modest volume of voice
stand up for what is fair and proper
tackle issues/problems and decisions squarely and thereby avoiding the inconvenience of explosive situations later
find rational means for coping with unavoidable hassles.
face responsibilities with respect to our situation, our needs, and our rights; but with due consideration for the rights of others.

Assertiveness is not what you do, it's who you are!
[Cal Le Mon]

It is better to be disliked for what you are,
than to be loved for what you are not
[Old Sufi Saying]

5 Cs of Assertiveness

Calm - don't lose control, stay cool
Consider - take into consideration the differing perspectives involved as well as the location, time and timing when confronting the issue
Communicate - express yourself in the most appropriate way possible; clearly, respectfully and honestly
Clarify - what troubles/disturb/offends you; why, how you feel about it and what could be done to resolve the matter
Consequence - evaluate the potential consequences of being assertive and be prepared to deal with them.

Nothing in the world is more flexible and yielding than water. Yet when it challenges the firm and the strong, none can withstand it, because they have no way to change it. So the flexible overcome the obstinate, the soft overcome the forceful. [Lao-Tzu]