Islamic Center of Irvine

Assertiveness ~ An Islamic Perspective (Part 2)

Say the truth, even if it be bitter
[Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)]

When comparing your choice of behavioral responses, you realize ...

Assertiveness is standing up for your rights while respecting the rights of others.
Aggressive behavior is getting what you want with no regard to the rights of others.
"The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others".[Sharon Anthony Bower]
Passivity is having respect for other's rights while undermining your own.

**The Continuum of Behavior & its Consequences**
Non-assertive Behavior	Assertive Behavior	Aggressive Behavior
As Actor	As Actor	As Actor
Self-denying	Self-enhancing	Self-enhancing at expense of others
Inhibited	Expressive	Over-expressive
Does not achieve desired goal(s)	May achieve desired goal(s)	May achieve desired goal(s) at expense of others
Others choose	Chooses for self	Chooses for others
Uncertain, anxious, belittles self	Confident, feels good about self	belittles others
As Receiver	As Receiver	As Receiver
Impatient, guilty, or angry	Knows where one stands	Feels put down, belittled
Ignores/overlooks actor	Respects actor	Hurt, defensive, humiliated
Achieves desired goal(s) at actor's expense	May achieve desired goal(s)	Does not achieve desired goal(s)

Passive-Aggressiveness means feeling angry, unhappy, or frustrated in a situation, but lacking the assertiveness or confidence to show or voice that feeling. This is manifested in your refusal to communicate, your being non-specific during interactions, and expressing double messages. No ones rights are really respected in this process.

I act in a Passive-Aggressive way when I ...

hide my hostility by seeming to be nice to someone I dislike, and am unable to be honest with the person.
say I agree with something but don't follow through because I really don't agree with it.
quietly manipulate to get my own way after voicing a completely different opinion, just to keep the peace.
tell people what they want to hear, even if I don't believe in what I am saying.
feel pressured to act or believe in a certain way when I really don't want to.
avoid conflict at all cost by giving in to others, then procrastinate and never do what I agreed to do.
am angry but afraid to show my anger, so I quietly take my revenge by doing the opposite

Rights and Assertiveness

To comfortably express your needs, you must believe you have a legitimate right to have those needs. Keep in mind that you have the following rights:

The right ...

to be treated with respect
to be consulted in matters that affect you, your dear ones and your possessions.
to decide how to lead your life, pursue your goals and establish your own priorities.
to your values, beliefs, opinions, emotions and the right to respect yourself for them, no matter what the opinion of others.
to tell others how you wish to be treated.
to express yourself and to say "no" or "yes" according to your choice.
to ask for information or help, without having negative feelings about your needs.
to change your mind and to make mistakes, with full understanding of the consequences.
to be liked even though you're not perfect.
to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and free to express yourself honestly.
to change or end relationships if they are detrimental to your life.
to change, enhance, or develop your life.

Assess your Assertiveness

When you differ with someone you respect, are you able to speak up and share your own viewpoint?
Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests made by friends or co-workers?
Do you readily accept constructive criticism and suggestions?
Do you ask for assistance when you need it?
Do you usually have confidence in your own judgment?
If someone else has a better solution, do you accept it easily?
Do you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct and honest way?
Do you try to work for a solution that, to the degree possible, benefits all parties?