96: Assert Your Right With Propriety
- your body language (facial expression, hand gestures, eye contact, posture)
- your verbal expression (appropriate choice of words)
- he tone of your voice (sound pleasant, but firm)
- Aggression ~ the other person may react with verbal and physical hostility such as shouting, cursing, pushing or threatening).
Do not react aggressively; realize that the other person is angry, that it is a continuous pattern of his/her aggressiveness, and though you regret him/her being distressed you affirm your position by not backing down without being provocative. - Backbiting ~ the other person may try to neutralize the effect of your affirmativeness by protesting behind your back.
Do not unduly pursue incidences of backbiting for your whole life will become preoccupied with finding out who said what about you to whom. Ignore them. - Denying ~ the other person may deny what he/she said, meant or did.
Do not be accusatory but re-assert your position so that the record is clear as to what you are assertive about. (e.g. "Whoever suggested that I am not interested in the affairs of this institution needs to know that that is absolutely untrue. I reaffirm what I always declared, and that is that I have the greatest concern for the welfare of this institution.") - Exaggerating ~ the other person may over-apologize, act over-humble, praise you excessively or avoid you completely.
All forms of extremes are unnecessary and potentially harmful. The other person's behavior may be false, and could lead him/her to passivity or passive-aggressive behavior towards you. Inform the other person that it is not necessary for him/her to act that way and merely reaffirm the issue you have been assertive about in the first place. - Mocking ~ the other person may undermine your affirmativeness by making sarcastic reference to your assertiveness.
The person may say things about you such as, "He/She has suddenly become outspoken" or "He/She has now grown too big for his/her boots". Do not allow yourself to be dragged into responding to sarcasm for it could lead to aggressiveness on both sides and may undo your efforts at being assertive. - Sulking ~ the other person may display how hurt he/she is by your assertiveness, through expressing self-pity or even crying. Some people display psychosomatic (mental-emotional) reactions; feeling faint or even suggesting that they are getting a 'heart attack'.
If you allow the other person's sulking or your pity for his/her condition to overcome you, chances are that the other person will always get his/her way and make you feel guilty of your assertiveness. Do not deliberately hurt the person by being insensitive, but do not back down or apologize for your assertiveness.
Wise ones have said, Assertiveness is not what you do, it's who you are, and that it is better to be disliked for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not. Propriety & the 5 Cs of Assertiveness Propriety ~ Though we should قل الحق و لو كان مرا speak the truth even if it is bitter, we should never be vulgar in the content nor abusive in the manner of our speech. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:
- Calm - don't lose control, stay cool
- Consider - take into consideration the differing perspectives involved as well as the location, time and timing when confronting the issue
- Communicate - express yourself in the most appropriate way possible; clearly, respectfully and honestly
- Clarify - what troubles/disturb/offends you; why, how you feel about it and what could be done to resolve the matter
- Consequence - evaluate the potential consequences of being assertive and be prepared to deal with them.
Nothing in the world is more flexible and yielding than water. Yet when it challenges the firm and the strong, none can withstand it, because they have no way to change it. So the flexible overcome the obstinate, the soft overcome the forceful. [ancient Chinese philosopher – 600 BC, Lao-Tzu] Reflect on the advice of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)