95: Problem-Solving in Relationships
- respecting each other (not insulting or humiliating each other)
- being supportive and conciliatory (rather than confrontational)
- communicating honestly and openly (not lying and deceiving)
- willing to listen to more than their own side (not stubborn or close-minded)
- working as a team (not as adversaries)
- negotiating (rather than imposing)
- sharing responsibilities (rather than burdening)
- complementing and appreciating (not criticizing and blaming)
Conflict is Inevitable People are individuals; individuals with differing backgrounds, differing interests leading to differences in perspective, differences in understanding and naturally to agreements, and at times, disagreements. Disagreements are quite normal and somewhat natural. How we are able to understand and handle those differences will determine whether we let our disagreements escalate into conflict or not. Primary causes of conflict are due to …
- interests being ignored
- values being challenged
- needs not met.
Conflicts ~ Inter-personal, Supra-personal & Intra-personal
- inter-personal conflicts ~ conflicts between individuals over matters of disagreement or due emotional conflict
- supra-personal conflicts ~ this stems from political, economic, national / cultural, religious or sectarian clashes of interests or values, where individuals become embroiled due to their partisanship.
- intra-personal conflict ~ Without a clear sense of your personal principles and priorities, it is most difficult, if not improbable, for an honest person to be without internal conflict.
The internal dimension of the self is most vital in determining who you really are, what you would really like to do, what you are capable of doing and what you are actually prepared to do. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is reported to have said, “Successful indeed is the person who is sincere in faith, whose heart is pure, whose speech is truthful and whose character is upright.” When the best of your internal dimension finds practical expression outwardly, then, and only then, are you capable of reaching your full potential as a practical human being, at peace with your self. “It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others.” [Columnist, Sydney J. Harris] From Problem to Solution, Conflict to Resolution It is absolutely essential that we be aware of the where we are and where we want to be in relation to resolving the conflict or solving a problem.
- Initial state – present, problematic state
- Goal State – desired, resolution state.
Problem Solving/Conflict Resolution is an attempt to move the adversaries from the problematic state to the resolution state as soon and as smoothly as possible. Such a process requires a series of actions, carefully selected from a range of available options to bring the present state closer to the goal. 5 Attitudinal Responses
- My way ~ too aggressive, ignoring rights of others
- No way ~ no compromise, no negotiation
- Your way ~ too passive, ignoring own rights
- Half way ~ compromise 50/50, but could be too much / too little.
- Our way ~ co-operation “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” [Philippians 2:3]
Noble Character Required It requires open communication, firm resolve, clear-mindedness and an open heart to effectively resolve conflicts. Wise ones have said that hot heads and cold hearts never solve anything. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) is advised;