89: Good Relationships (Part 5) ~ Relatives
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
من كان يؤمن بالله واليوم الآخرفليكرم ضيفه ، ومن كان يؤمن بالله واليوم الآخرفليصل رَحِمَهُ
ومن كان يؤمن بالله واليوم الآخرفليقل خيرا أو ِ ليَصمُت
Whoever believes in Allah and the Day of Accountability;
let such a person... honor guests, maintain good ties with relatives,
and speak good or remain silent.
[Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)]
The social unit through which any person enters the world, are the parents. These parents in turn are connected to other human beings by bonds of relationships. Blood relationships are established through birth and such relationships are the natural means for formation of societies. Families and relatives thus have a significant role in human existence and Islam places special importance on such relationships. We are reminded that …
وَأُوْلُو الْأَرْحَامِ بَعْضُهُمْ أَوْلَى بِبَعْضٍ فِي كِتَابِ اللَّه
among each other, blood-relations have closer personal ties,
in the decree of Allah. [Qur’an 33:6]
Primary Group for Interaction
The family unit is central to society because it is where social behavior is learnt and transmitted from one generation to another - it is the unit in which personality, reputation, character and society are forged. Since the family is the primary group for interaction, it follows that a person's identity and existence is strongly influenced by the family system and the accompanying family relationships. Peace and stability within the family and family relationships are the foundations of future well-being for individuals. Healthy family relationships are therefore crucial for the development of any human being. The breaking of such relationship without justification is disapproved to the extent that the Prophet said that لا يدخل الجنة قا طع الرَّحِم
the one who breaks off close relationships will not enter Paradise.
Families Still Important
“Families through time have changed, but they have not declined in importance.” says Dr. Vern Bengtson, professor of sociology at the University of Southern California.
“Historically, family relationships have played the most basic role of all -- ensuring survival. Today, most people rely on family interactions to provide an affirming, positive experience. They provide a sense of support and an identity of who we are and what's unique about us.” Call it a clan, a network, a family … whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. People who cultivate extended family relationships are at an advantage emotionally and are often more successful in their personal lives. Both children and adults benefit from these relationships during times of great stress, such as tragedy, death or divorce. They also reap the rewards when joyous events enter their lives, whether it is a new job, a new child or a milestone achievement.
The Prophet stated صِلة ُ الرَّحِم ِ تزيدُ فى العُمُر ِ that
maintaining good relationship increases the life-span. Scientific research too indicates that interaction with extended family can have a positive effect on lifespan and physical health.
“We have seen evidence that an increased degree of positive contact with family can add years to your life. We have strong reason to believe that people with active children and grandchildren relationships live longer.”[Dr.Vern Bengtson –USC]
Quality Relationship
Since …
- three to four million women are physically battered each year by partners including husbands, former husbands and loved ones.
- reports of child abuse and neglect reaches 2.7 million cases annually
- studies link family violence with a host of mental health problems for the victims. {Diminished self esteem, depression, suicidal feelings, self-contempt, and an inability to trust and to develop intimate relationships are among the psychological consequences of this form of violence.}
- children who are victims of abuse are two to three times more likely than other children to have failing grades in school, difficulty forming relationships, disciplinary problems in school, physically assaulting behavior at home and outside the home, vandalism and theft, and alcohol and other drug use.
… many people believe that families today are somehow the root cause of most of the violence, crime and other social problems. The dilemma, I believe, is not the family, instead it is the poor quality of relationship among family members and relatives. Without a caring, respectful and loving relationship among the members, ‘family’ could become meaningless and often even destructive.
Silat-ur-Rahim
A person asked the Prophet (pbuh),
“Inform me of deeds which will make me enter Paradise?” The Prophet (pbuh) replied:
“Worship Allah and join none in worship with Him. Offer prayers as you are commanded to, give charity to those in need, and silat-ur-rahim/ keep good relations with your near and dear ones.”
The Qur’anic interpreter Mohammad bin Ahmad al-Ansari Al-Qurtubi explained; “
Ar-Rahim (bond of relationship) has general and specific dimensions. As for the general public one, it is the religious obligation of dealing with people affectionately, provide good counseling, ensure fairness & justice; and be considerate regarding the honor and rights of others in a desirable way. As for the specific and special dimension; it includes being charitable to one’s relatives, to look out for their well-being and to overlook their short comings.”
Responsibility of Maintaining Good Relationships
It must always remain clear that the responsibility for maintaining a good, loving and respectful family relationship rests with every individual in the family. The effort needed is not to maintain a certain family structure but to develop and nurture loving and caring relationships. The Prophet advised,
ليس الواصلُ بالمُكافِي ، و لكن الواصلُ الذي اذا ُقطِعت رحِمُهُ وَصَلها
A waasil is not one who merely continues relationship with those keep relationship, but rather the one who maintains a relationship even with those who break off ties. [Prophet Muhammad ]
We must realize that …
- Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted. [Paul Pearshall]
- There's one sad truth in life I've found, while journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound, are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know, we please the fleeting guest,
And deal many thoughtless blows, to those who love us best.
[Ella Wheeler Wilcox]
Islam urges us to be kind, to family relatives although they be unkind. A Muslim is instructed to forgive family members, even if they are revengeful. A Muslim is required to maintain closer relationships with family members even though their reaction may be contrary. Note that …
- The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you. [author, Kendall Hailey]
- Relatives are in many ways our connection with the past and in some ways our doorway to the future. Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us; we see the past, present, and future. [civil rights writer, Gail Lumet Buckley].
- A person needs to be connected, needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons of variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him into it before he was born. [Nobel laureate -Pearl S. Buck]
- Our duty to near ones precede our duty to others, for if each one was t take care of his/her dear ones there would be less people in problems. We are thus encouraged by the Prophet to note that
صدقة ُ على المسكين صدقة ٌ ، و على ذى الرَّحِمِ صدقة ٌ و صِلة ٌ
charity to others is charity,but being charitable to relatives is both charity and maintaining relationship.
Become the Standard
- For the true Believer فليصل رحمه maintain good relationship
- Abu Dharr al-Ghaffari said that my dear friend (the Prophet) instructed me to love the poor and be of assistance to them, to maintain good relationships even if others don’t.
قال ابو ذر الغفاري؛ أمرني خليلي
بحُب المساكين و الدُُّ ُنوِّي منهم ، و أمرني أن أصِلَ الرَّحِمَ و ان اُدبِرتُ
- We are divinely ordained …
فَآتِ ذَا الْقُرْبَى حَقَّهُ وَالْمِسْكِينَ وَابْنَ السَّبِيلِ
ذَلِكَ خَيْرٌ لِّلَّذِينَ يُرِيدُونَ وَجْهَ اللَّهِ وَأُوْلَئِكَ هُمُ الْمُفْلِحُونَ
Fulfill your responsibilities towards the relatives/near ones, the needy, and the wayfarer. That is best for those who seek the Countenance of Allah, and it is they who will prosper. [Qur’an 30:38]
- The most comprehensive Divine Command is …
إِنَّ اللّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاء ذِي الْقُرْبَى وَيَنْهَى عَنِ الْفَحْشَاء وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ
Surely, Allah commands justice and goodness, kindness to your relatives/ near ones; and Allah forbids all forms of shameful deeds, improprieties and injustice. [Qur’an 16:90]