Islamic Center of Irvine

58: Listening - Essence of the Art of Communication (Part 2)

Allah describes the Believers as ...
"those who listen to what is being said and pursue the best of it. "
[Qur'an 39:18]

Listening is a simple task yet a complex skill. Listening involves ...

hearing attentively with a genuine desire to understand
appreciating, not only of the words used but also the sentiments expressed
responding (if needs be) with the most appropriate response

"To listen closely and reply well is the highest perfection we are able to attain in the art of conversation" [17th century philosopher, Francois de la Rochefoucauld]

Benefits of Listening

Listening is a skill that has far-reaching positive consequences. Listening ...

forms a solid basis for open and direct communication
indicates interest/care/sense of connection
shows confidence
reduces misunderstanding
is a creative force that could transform relationships

Wise ones have said that listening is better than speaking, for the tongue may get you in trouble, your ear will not.

Are You a Good Listener?

Have you ever examined whether you are truly listening? Many of us are unaware that we are actually doing something other than listening, because we tend to be oblivious of the fact that we are pre-engaged/pre-occupied while some one is trying to communicate with us. We thus partially hear what is being communicated, and partial hearing means getting only part of the message, and that is always inaccurate. We all act and react on the basis of our understanding, and all too often there exists misunderstanding which most often arises from a lack of proper communication.
There is a principle of physics (which is referred to as the second principle of transformation) that states no two things can occupy the same space at the same time. So too with the mind; if your mind is pre-occupied with opposing whatever is being said, or pre-engaged with what you are intending to say; then you can not really be focusing on what is being said to you by someone else. "It is difficult for anyone to speak when you listen only to yourself." [writer, Lorna Bounty]

Why is it so Difficult to be a Good Listener

most people prefer to assert their opinions, feelings and beliefs rather than listening to others
instead of listening, many people filter the words of others through their own mindset, biases and prejudices. "An essential part of true listening is the discipline of bracketing; the temporary setting aside of one’s own prejudices, frames of references and desires, so as to experience as far as possible the speaker’s words from the inside, step inside his or her shoes." [Unitarian Universalist Philosopher, H.D.Thoreau]
people assume that they already know what the other is going to say and tend to second guess other people. "He who responds without listening ... it is his folly and his shame." [Proverbs 18:12]
some are so emotionally charged that they respond to pent-up emotions rather than the facts of the matter/issue at hand. "No person should give a decision on a matter while overcome with anger" [Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)]

The importance of listening to varying perspectives to get the whole truth of a matter before responding is absolutely essential. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) therefore advised those who judge not to give verdict until they have heard all sides of the story.

Improving Listening skills

look at the person
give full attention
do not be pre-occupied with
- other thoughts
- your rebuttal
- perception of the person
do not jump to conclusions
listen to the words and the emotions
judge content (message) not delivery
do not interrupt
do not rush the speaker
do not change the topic unnecessarily
if something is not clear, ask for clarification
keep emotions under control

Whispers of our lives

Besides the external voices that we attend to, there also exists the non-vocal, inaudible ‘whispers’ that come from our own selves that we most often ignore.

body => physical signs that need to be attended to
heart => our feelings, emotions, relationships ...
spirit => our faith, hope, aspirations ...

If we do not listen to these whispers of our lives we could miss many vital messages and by continuing to disregard them, the quality of our lives as individuals and as social beings may be diminished.

The Heart of Good Communication

We need to become sensitive to the challenge of listening. Remember, the heart of good communication lies in the art of listening; or in the words of author, Oliver Wendell Holmes; "it is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen." Ask yourself: if I do not have the decency to listen to others, what entitles me to demand the right to be heard.