25: Aiming for Excellence
We have created the human being in the best fashion.
[Qur'an 95:5]
Self Respect
If the Golden Rule is to love for others what you love for yourself, then it is essential that you care for and respect your self. There is a Spanish proverb that states, if you want to be respected you must respect yourself. Note that of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the judgment we pass on ourselves. [Nathaniel Branden, renowned author and psychologist]
Self respect is the forerunner of all respect. There is overwhelming evidence indicating that the higher the level of self-esteem the more likely it is that
- one will be respected
- treat others with respect
Self-worth is your value/potential value as a member of society. Your independence as an individual
and your role as a social being. The respect accorded to your self.
Self image is how you see yourself in relation to others. The idea you have of yourself which could also
be called self concept.
Self image includes:
- What you think you look like physically
- How your personality comes across
- What kind of person you think you are
- What you think others think of you
- How much you like yourself or think others like you
- Your place in the world
- Your social status and how you relate to others
Both are very important as it directly affects your self esteem.
What is Self Esteem ?
Self esteem is estimation of ...
- the opinion you have of yourself
- your value as a person
- your appreciation of what you can do
- an honest respect for your own abilities and potentialities
- awareness of your strengths and utilizing them effectively
- acceptance of your limitations (with a commitment to do your best)
- your achievements
- your purpose in life
Authentic self-esteem emanates from having positive feelings about one's self, trusting your own being to be life affirming, genuine, constructive, responsible, trustworthy and compassionate. German author of DECLINE OF THE WEST, Oswald Spengler said that our purpose is to make as meaningful as possible this life that has been bestowed upon us; to live in such a way that we may be proud of ourselves; to act in such a way that some part of us lives on. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) encouraged human beings to do such deeds, the benefits of which would outlive them.
Self-esteem is not egotism, arrogance, conceit, narcissism, sense of superiority or vanity (self-importance). Rather, self-esteem stems from the experience of living consciously and might be viewed as a person's overall judgment of himself or herself pertaining to self-competence and self-worth based on reality. So much is a person worth as he esteems himself. [Italian Renaissance writer, Rabelias]
People with low self-esteem typically focus on trying to prove themselves or impress others. They tend to use others for their own gain. Some act with arrogance and contempt towards others. They generally lack confidence in themselves, often have doubts about their worth and acceptability, and hence are reluctant to take risks or expose themselves to failure. They frequently blame others for their shortcomings. People with low self esteem never feel in charge of their own lives, often feel like victims, like outsiders, left out, and unimportant.
Low self esteem has two faces
- The personality that seems to always be the underdog, the under-achiever, the negative one, the one who says I can't, I couldn't, I shouldn't, I have to but am unable ...
- The person who seems very confident, a take charge type of person, very much in control, very opinionated, positional, and often in leadership positions. All of this bravado is still a face of low self-esteem. This type of person, may exhibit any or all of these traits: when things go wrong, wants to eat other people alive, or is a perfectionist, demanding, and self-centered, can't take criticism, instruction, or direction, is very independent and self-sufficient. A close relationship has been documented between low self-esteem and such problems as violence, alcoholism, drug abuse, eating disorders, school dropouts, teenage pregnancy, suicide, and low academic achievement.
Developing Self-Esteem
Being consistent in the following are essential for the development of a healthy self-esteem:
- Sincerity is rightly considered as the starting point of ethical living, the core of good character and the basis for an ideal personality. The Prophet (pbuh) is reported to have said: Qadd Aflaha Man Akhlas - Successful indeed is the person who is sincere.
- Justice - Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) was asked how a person could be most just, he replied: Love for others what you love for yourself, then you'll be among the most just of people. The 19th century Afro-American moralist, Robert Ingersoll, referred to justice as giving to every human being every right you claim for yourself.
- Get to know thy self (Live Life Inside Out) - Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.(Carl Jung) One of the best ways to self-esteem is to understand one's self. A key element of 'Arafa Nafsih - 'knowing thyself' is sorting out what is really important to you. Without a clear sense of your personal principles and priorities, it's almost impossible to bring the picture of your preferred future clearly into focus. Self-respect is the forerunner of respect for others. There is overwhelming evidence indicating that the higher the level of self-esteem the more likely one will be to treat others with respect.
- Individual Responsibility implies acknowledgement of personal accountability => personal accountability arises from a sense of self-respect => self-respect includes a sense of one's own values and a conviction to live by one's principles. Responsible people guard their own self-respect, maintain their dignity and in the process accommodate the preservation of the respect and dignity of those they interact with.
- Do not indulge negative or self-limiting thinking
- People do not aim high (they fear they may miss), so they aim low and hit.
- Though the mind can focus on fear, worry, failure and despair; it could focus on confidence, optimism and success. You decide.
- Others could be temporary obstacles in your life, only you could be an obstacle permanently.
If I am negative about myself why would others be positive. if one's thoughts, opinions and words are pessimistic, defeatist, suspicious, ever critical and hostile then one's attitude is certainly negative. People with a positive attitudes rise above their circumstances, while people with negative attitudes remain victims of circumstance. [Recall the story of Imam Ibn Taymiyyah regarding punishment, imprisonment, exile or execution].
Kindness - It is when we display kindness that we present the best of ourselves.
- Practicing daily acts of kindness is an essential element of fruitful living.
- Sharing kindness with others is the most rewarding and fulfilling act one can engage in. Remember that
Allah is kind and loves kindness in everything.
Prophet Muhammad also said:
The Believer is loving and is loved, there is no goodness in not loving and in not being loved, and the best human beings are those who are most beneficial to humanity
There is nothing more comforting, more gratifying for a conscientious soul than knowing that through a kind word, a helpful act, a cheerful smile you made someone's burden a little lighter, a day little brighter or situation a little more pleasant.
- If kindness has no effect on the recipient, it at least benefits the bestower; so kindness is never wasted
Healthy Self-Esteem as part of Character
One's sense of competence is strengthened through realistic and accurate self-appraisal, meaningful accomplishments, overcoming adversities, bouncing back from failures, and adopting such practices such as assuming self-responsibility, being beneficial and maintaining integrity which engender one's sense of competence and self-worth.
A healthy or high self-esteem is characterized by tolerance and respect for others, individuals who accept responsibility
for their actions, have integrity, take pride in their accomplishments, are self-motivated, willing to take risks,
capable of handling criticism, loving and lovable, seek the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals,
and take command and control of their lives. Be aware that self-esteem is made up of both SELF-WORTH and SELF-TRUST.
Self-worth is simply the feeling of being glad that you are you. Self-trust is the functional belief in your own
ability positively and effectively to control what happens to you in a world of uncertainty. [Denis Waitley]
Being positive is part of Islamic character. The Prophet (pbuh) said: Good consideration is part of good worship.