Islamic Center of Irvine

22: Respect - A Manifestation of Values & Character

Not only an orphan is the one who lost both mother and father,
Rather, an orphan too is the one bereft of learning and etiquette
[Imam Shaf'ie]

Honorability & Respect Kiraamah

People are born honorable and Allah confirms Wa Laqad Karramnaa Banee Adama - the honorability of the human being in the Qur'an. By virtue of our innate honorability, we bear two primary socio-ethical responsibilities that maintain our honorability:

Being respectful
Being worthy of respect

The notion of honorability and respect is integral to the Islamic way of life as is evidenced by numerous traditions of the Prophet (pbuh) who instructed people to: speak truthfully with civility, be courteous to the neighbor, honor the guest, respect elders, have compassion for the young, consideration for the under privileged, inclination to the oppressed, act with propriety, and manifest excellence in everything. Wise ones have said that character is the foundation on which respect is built. Just as no mighty structure can be built on a weak base, so too can no lasting reputation worthy of respect be built on a weak character.

Respect is ...

having a positive judgment about someone or something
honorable character that is displayed through courteous behavior
propriety = doing the right thing at the right time in the right manner.

Personality & Identity

Respect can be due to ...

Personality (individuality, attitude, qualities, habits, behavior and character)
Identity (position or title).
It has been so aptly stated by Aesop: "Foolish are those who take for themselves the respect that is given to their office."

{The confusion of identity with personality is often exploited by advertisers in the market place. For example, people admire / respect Michael Jordan as a basketball player, and advertisers use his popular image to promote sausages, batteries or clothing which is totally unrelated to his field of excellence. Since people so often confuse personality with identity, they want to be "like" MJ and gullibly spend money on what he advertises. Though MJ may not in real life be using those products.}

Self-Respect

If the Golden Rule is to love for others what you love for yourself, then it is essential that you care for and respect your self. There is a Spanish proverb that states if you want to be respected you must respect yourself.
Self respect is the forerunner of respect for others. There is overwhelming evidence indicating that the higher the level of self-esteem the more likely one will be to treat others with respect.
Note that respect may have to do with humility but never with humiliation. The author, Peter Mcarthur said that some people have so much respect for their superiors that they have no respect left for themselves.
One of the foremost leaders of abolitionist movement and spokesperson for the American Anti-slavery Society, Frederick Douglas, warned that neither we, nor any other people, will ever be respected till we respect our selves, and we will never respect ourselves till we have the means to live respectfully.
Irrespective of the condition of people, if you treat a person as he is then he will remain as he is; if you treat a person as he could be, he may become as he should be. Labor activist, Ceaser Chavez said: What is at stake is human dignity. If a person is not accorded respect he can not respect himself and if he does not respect himself he can not demand it.
Presbyterian minister, William Boetcker, highlighted the significance of integrity in relation to self-respect when he said: That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease people by doing what you know is right than to temporarily please them by doing what is wrong.

Relationships based on respect

Whether it be parent, child, spouse or friend; all relationships require the element of respect. The Prophet(pbuh) said that the better neighbor is one who is the best to his neighbor, that the best of friends are those who are best to their friends, and that the best of spouses are those most respectful to their partner. Roman orator, Cicero, said: He removes the greatest ornament of relationship who takes away from it respect.

Teaching Respect

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said that no parent gives a child a better gift than etiquette. Learning respectful behavior, cultivating good habits and displaying proper decorum are absolutely essential for the development of good manners. The mission of Prophets has been to improve human pattern of behavior. In fact, Prophet Muhammad(pbuh) said: Surely, good behavior/character is part of the completion of Faith. Teaching respect entails:

Informing - Convey the concept of respect. This prepares for socialization.
Modeling - More important and much more effective than conveying in words is teaching by example. Hadrat 'Ali advised that when guiding people let your guidance be by example rather than words. Emphasize the validity of respectful behavior by respectful living.
Self-worth - Demonstrating respect for ourselves through an unwillingness to endure disrespect.
Entitlement - The Greek philosopher, Aristotle said: Dignity does not consist in possessing honors, but in deserving them. A person commands respect by being respectful. Recall the incident of the spiritual master who, on being asked as to why he was being respectful to a person disrespectful to him, said: "I treat him with respect, not because he is a gentleman, but because I am one". Only those demand respect who can not command it.
{ Do note that a position could command respect; eg. being a parent/teacher/elder; but even then, ensure that your personality is such that you are worthy of such respect.} Respect begets respect.

Ralph Waldo Emerson beautifully captured the essence of a successful social life when he said: ... to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; that is to have succeeded.