112: One, Not the Other
Numerous Qur’anic verses and traditions of the Prophet contra-distinguishes between opposites in order to highlight the positive aspect of one and the negative of the other. For example …
[b]وَلاَ تُلْقُواْ بِأَيْدِيكُمْ إِلَى التَّهْلُكَةِ وَأَحْسِنُوَاْ إِنَّ اللّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُحْسِنِين[/b]
[i]Be not be the cause of your own destruction[/i][b][Qur’an 2:195][/b]
[b]لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِن رَّحْمَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ[/b]
[i]Do not despair of the Mercy of Allah, Surely Allah forgives all sins;[/i]
[b]لا تبسط يدك الأ الى الخير و لا تقل بلسانك الا معروفا [/b]
[i]Do not indulge in any act unless it is beneficial,and do not say anything except what is good [/i][b]
[Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)] [/b]
The idea is …[list][*]to encourage a person to be motivated by the positive and the beneficial[/*][*]to discourage the negative and the detrimental.[/*][/list]
[b]Be a Friend, not a User[/b]
[b]واد المتقين واهجر الفاسقين و جانب المنلفقين و لا تصاحب الخائني[/b]
[i]“Befriend the righteous, flee from the transgressors, avoid the hypocrites and do not associate with deceivers.”[/i][b] [Sayyedna ‘Ali][/b]
A true friend …. warms you with his/her presence, trusts you with his/her secrets, remembers you in his/her prayers, is there before you know it, lends a hand before you ask for it, gives you love when you need it most; doubles your joy and shares your grief. That is why[i]…True friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.[/i] [author, Amanda Kunkle]
True friendship is … based on trust, warranted loyalty, mutual respect and genuine care.[i]"Remember that the best relationship is one in which your care for each other exceeds your need for each other."[/i] [Dalai Lama]
[b]خير الاصحاب عند الله خيرهم لصاحبه [/b]
[i]“The best friend; according to the estimation of Allah, is the one best to his/her friend.”[/i][b][Prophet Muhammad] [/b]
[b]Humor, not hurt[/b]
Maintaining a sense of humor is useful for good quality of life. Our sense of humor gives us the ability to find delight, experience joy, and to release tension. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) had a warm, gentle, friendly, inviting disposition. He mourned and cried, or smiled and laughed, as situations warranted; and he witnessed the laughter of those around him.
Sayyidah Fatima (daughter of the Prophet) said, [i]The Prophet told me something secretly[/i](during his last illness),[i]I cried; [/i](when he observed me crying) [i]he told me something, then I laughed.[/i][Bukhari, Vol. 8, Ch 68 on smiling and laughing]
We should use humor as a tool rather than a weapon.[list][*]Laughing with others builds confidence, brings people together and pokes fun at our common dilemmas.[/*]
[*]Laughing at others destroys confidence, ruptures relationships, and singles out individuals as the butt of jokes.[/*][/list]
[b]Discuss, not Argue[/b]
[i]Among people there are those whose talks about affairs of the world may impress you, and he calls Allah to witness what is in his heart, yet he is severely argumentative.[/i][b][Qur’an 2:204][/b]
We often take possession of our ideas as if they were our identity. If people's ideas and verbalized thoughts are always experienced at the level of one's identity, then all debate will become perceived as fighting or arguing. Therefore, when this pattern of communication erupts it's important to separate the idea from the person.
Among the most common failings in human relations is how some people attempt to increase their own feelings of self-worth by undermining the self-esteem of others. Imam Shaf'ie said:[i]“I never argue with someone aiming to undermine or humiliate, I rather pray that Allah puts the truth on our tongues and if he be right that I follow him, and if I be right that he follows me.” [/i]Many people are unable to distinguish between discussion and argumentation. Real discussion varies greatly from silly argumentation
[list]
[*]A discussion tries to prove what is right; an argument, who is right[/*]
[*]A discussion emanates from an open mind; an argument from a closed mind[/*]
[*]A discussion throws light; an argument throws heat[/*]
[*]A discussion is an expression of logic; an argument is often an expression of temper[/*]
[*]A discussion is an exchange of understanding; an argument an exchange of ignorance[/*]
[/list]
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) warned, [b]ان ابغض الرجا ل الي الله الالدُّ الخصم[/b] [i]The most disliked of people on the estimation of Allahare those most argumentative. [/i]
[b]Be Sympathetic, Empathetic; not Pathetic[/b]
The fact that مؤلفة
mu'allafah / affection [Q 9:60][Q 3:103], and مودة
mawaddah wa rahmah رحمة/ love and compassion [Q 30:21], considered the most positive aspect of the human relationships, are associated with the "heart", it is obligatory to overcome hard-heartedness [Q 2:74]. We are exhorted to emulate the prophetic example of being compassionate and forgiving [Q 3:159]. Prophet Muhammad reminded us,
[b]المؤمن يَألف و يُؤلف ، و لا خير فيمن لا يَألف ولا يُؤلف ، و خير الناس أنفعهم لل[/b]
[i]A believer is loving and lovable. There is no goodness in one who is neither loving nor lovable; and the best of people are those best to humanity.[/i]
Being sympathetic implies understanding how others feel, being empathetic means feeling how others feel. Being pathetic is a wretched attitude that does not endear one to people and people do not feel that you are sharing their feeling. (eg. Asian Tsunami – Sympathizer is moved to help those who are affected; Empathizer would help while being moved to tears at seeing the tragedy, the Pathetic person would find reasons to blame the people for why “God punished them”).
Reflect on the wise words…[i]resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, understanding of the wrong and tolerant of the weak; because some time you would have been all of these yourself.[/i]
Remember, when you share sorrow it divides, when you share happiness it multiplies. So be a محسن multiplier of good …
[b]إِنَّ اللّهَ يُحِبُّ الْمُحْسِنِينَ[/b]
[i]for Allah loves the doers of good.[/i][b] [Qur’an 2: 195] [/b]