104: Essential Elements for Successful Social Interaction

 

خالقوا الناس بخلق حسن Deal with people with the best of etiquette. [Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)]
Human relations = art of dealing with others in such a way that you keep both your ego and their ego in tact. [Ego = the I, the self, self-esteem]. Successful human relations is obviously a key component of mu’aamalah/social dealings and Islam emphasizes mu'amalah (social relations) as an essential component of the Deen (Islamic Way of Life) Successful Human Relations arises essentially from the art of dealing with others …

The 3 A’s Every individual needs …

  1. ACCEPTANCE Do not straight-jacket people for your approval. Recognize the fact that others are others, they are not you. They are who or what they are. "Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be." [Theologian& Writer, Thomas A. Kempis] Do not pre-occupy your self with the faults of others nor forget the fact that human beings are fallible, as Prophet Muhammad said, "all human beings commit wrong and the best of sinners are those who repent." Develop the skill of both giving and receiving emotional and moral support. Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same. Be one of those that make a difference. "Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts." [Writer, Charles Dickens]
  2. APPRECIATION = recognizing the quality, significance or magnitude of something/somebody; to be fully aware or sensitive; to be thankful and show gratitude …Among the primary socio-ethical responsibilities we need to manifest in our relationships are to appreciate/value others... being respectful and being worthy of respect. Respect implies that you value and honor others, and when you value and honor others, you treat them with care and concern. Roman orator, Cicero, said: He removes the greatest ornament of a relationship who takes away from it respect.
  3. APPROVAL: Praise when appropriate, giving credit where credit is due => shifts focus off self => less self-centeredness => less self-righteous => more appreciative. Thankfulness is an important positive emotion that relates directly to our mental and spiritual well-being. Let our hearts awaken to the transforming power of thankfulness. Professor Barbara Fredrickson of the University of Michigan concludes from her research that cultivating gratitude may actually undo the effects of negative emotions such as anger and anxiety. Dr R. Emmons of UC-Davis found that feelings of thankfulness have a tremendous value in a person's achieving a positive sense of the self, while Dr Adam Smith's Theory of Moral Sentiments suggests that those who feel gratitude are happier people.

People trust little one who praises everything, they trust less the one who criticizes everything, and trust least the one who is indifferent about everything. People do appreciate the confident and those who inspire it. Confidence is that feeling by which the mind embarks in great and honorable courses with a hope and trust in itself. [Roman orator, Marcus Cicero] The 3 C’s

  1. COMMUNICATING ~ Human beings interact mostly through verbal communication. Communication here entails the ability to express and convey ideas, opinions, disappointments, agreements, disagreements, hopes, aspirations… Communicating accurate, useful information is one of the great challenges of our times. The most important aspect of communication is understanding and the most essential tool for understanding verbal/oral communication is listening and speaking. Everyone talks, but few realize how the words that flow from the tongue affects the speaker and the hearer, and fewer still develop the skill to speak effectively. Besides choice of words, body language and tone of voice, it requires diligent effort to learn to think clearly, organize our thoughts and beliefs systematically, and present that information skillfully and appropriately. Keep in mind that …
    • The GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST is not the one who finds it easy to talk, rather he/she has the ability to get others talk.
    • "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” [19th century British writer, Dorothy Nevill]
  2. CRITICISING ~ It is true that as people of Faith, we have the duty of commanding good and forbidding evil. We thus engage ourselves, as social beings, in improving ourselves and working towards improving the world we live in. As people of Faith, we should also have the decency not to search for faults in others, and if there is a need for correcting someone, we correct with aim of empowering, not with the aim of humiliating. Among the most common failings in human relations is how some people attempt to increase their own feelings of self-worth by undermining the self-esteem of others. Be aware that speech is projection of thoughts and emotions; the content of speech reflects the culture of the heart; so consider carefully how you feel about others, why you feel the way you feel and what you say about people, where you say it, how you say it and why you say it. Though we should speak the truth even if it is bitter, we should never be vulgar in the content nor abusive in the manner of our speech. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said: "The Believer is never one who taunts, nor one who curses, is neither indecent nor abusive.” Art of Criticism: Few are they who are able to handle criticism; very rare are they who are able to give criticism effectively. To render effective criticism …
    • Attempt not to destroy, but to build up; not to hurt, but to empower/improve; not to humiliate but to boost self-esteem
    • Criticizing in private has greater chance of being appreciated while criticizing in public has a greater chance of being resented.
    • If one never compliments one should never criticize.
    • Precede criticism with kind words as kind words has the potential for opening the mind and softening the heart, making it easier for the criticism to be effective.
    • Make criticism as impersonal as possible; criticizing the issue/action, not condemning the person.
  3. CONVINCING ~ Differences of opinion are inevitable wherever people possess intellect and honesty. Diversity leads to differences in perspective, differences in understanding and naturally agreements and disagreements. If one wishes to convince another of his/her perspective, then one needs to be aware of the process of persuasion. Art of Convincing:
    • In the event of disagreement/debating, the focus should not be on arguing, but on persuading.
    • Be prepared to … listen, reflect, be calm, be honest and respectful.
    • “Speak to people كلم الناس على قدر عقولهم according to their understanding” [Prophet Muhammad]
    • Do not have a holier-than-thou attitude, a know-it-all attitude; rather be fact/truth oriented.

    Imam Shaf'ie said: "I never argue with someone aiming to undermine or humiliate, I rather pray that Allah puts the truth on our tongues and if he be right that I follow him, and if I be right that he follows me.”

Power of Interaction People influence each other, either positively or negatively. Our responsibility is to be a catalyst for good; to spark enthusiasm and create confidence; and thus generate a positive mood. Note that … Only as high as I reach can I grow => excellence in everything. Only as far as I seek can I go => as you do so shall you be rewarded. Only as deep as I look can I see => reflect on creation of heaven/earth. Only as much as I strive can I be => to each according to his/her deeds. Note that…

The ultimate assurance of implementing the essential elements for successful social interaction are captured the advisory words of the Prophet …

لا تبسط يدك الأ الى الخير و لا تقل بلسانك الا معروفا Do not indulge in any act unless it is beneficial, And do not say anything except what is good [Prophet Muhammad (pbuh)]

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